I don't have the best relationship with my mom. I used to idolize my mom. I used to think she was "the best". However, beginning in 2020, and maybe even a little before then, I began to see a different side of my mom; and that is when I began to see that maybe she wasn't "all that" like I had previously thought.
Last week, my mom asked me a question. I answered it. But, then she proceeded to ask me another question, and then another. I think she was seeking a confrontation with me! Whether she realized it or not, the dark side spirits operating behind the scenes, if you will, may have been trying to provoke me; but, she is the one who lost her temper. What's really sad, is that, she has resentment towards me from over 5 years ago.
Jesus said our enemies would be members of our own household. In 2018 my dad was sick and in the hospital. At that time, my mom asked if I would stay with her, presumably so that she wouldn't have to stay home alone overnight. I agreed, and at times I would cook a nice pot of chili or a tray of enchiladas for her, so that when she came home from the hospital visit with my dad, she could have something to eat.
In early 2019, my dad passed away from a collapsed lung. I really had thought and believed God was going to heal my dad from his illness. But, God had other plans. On the night my dad passed, my 2 brothers asked if I was going to stay living with mom now that dad was gone? I replied, "only if everyone agrees". And that is how I moved into my parent's home after my dad passed away.
My mom and I made some agreements with chores and household duties. I did those things at first, but over time I did not keep up my end of the deal. I own that. However, what's really "weird" is that my mom would be mean, raise her voice, and use other critical tactics against me. I in turn, responded by withdrawing; I separated myself from her as a defense mechanism, as a way of "protecting myself" from further verbal harm from her (in my mind). Yes, if she is going to attack me and pick fights with me, then I am going to retreat myself for my own personal safety.
I do not earn enough money from my jobs to survive on my own. I would either have to rent a room, or live in a shelter or on the streets. This is my reality. It's not a feeling sorry for myself. Nor is this a victim mentality statement. Rather, I am stating the truth as I see it today. I live in southern California. Rents for a one-bedroom apartment are anywhere from $1500 and upwards. Please do the math. Job one pays minimum wage for 4 hours a week. Job two pays minimum wage for 10 hours a week. That's 14 hours times $15 an hour; this equals less than $800 a month. Therefore, I consider living with my mom to be a gift, at least for having a roof over my head, a warm bed to sleep on, and some of the conveniences of modern living. But, there's no fellowship between us. We do not share Christ between us.
My mom keeps busy with many of her groups. One group is a bereavement group for those who have lost a loved one. Another group is a women's group with her childhood friend's church; it's a 501c3 church mega church out in Riverside, California. And, I think she also attends another women's group in Orange County as well, in someone's home. But, she never talks with me about God, or Jesus, the Bible or anything. She has her "routine". She likes to watch TV morning news; she thinks that watching the news keeps her informed of what's going on. Um, what?! And, in the evening she watches TV again; the game shows her and my dad used to watch, and then worldly movies on one of the streaming spaces. This is simply to report her mindset is on the world, the things of this world. Yes, she does attend a church service Sunday mornings locally in Anaheim somewhere, and then they feed the poor together as a group of friends from church. I will give her that.
What was strange to me, when the covid shots first came out, she said everyone would just have to pray on it. That was one of my first "red flags" when it came to my mom. Why would this woman, who never talks with me about God, or Jesus, or anything from the Bible, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, tell me each person would just have to pray about taking the vaccine? Um, are you kidding me?!
At that time, God had given me knowledge on the vaccine and its dangers and not to take it! How could God tell her to pray on it and tell me not to take it?
Another red flag I got from my mom was the day one of our neighbors was walking by in the front yard. We said hello and exchanged friendly greetings with one another. She asked me how I was doing, and I distinctly recall telling her exactly the truth. Later, I relayed the story to my mom, and I recall my mom saying something to the effect of, "oh you should have just told her something-something". In essence, while I was expressing authenticity with the neighbor, my mom was suggesting that I should have "just lied" to the neighbor. I remember wondering to myself, why does my mom advise me to lie?
So, I'm not saying I'm a perfect person. Scripture is clear that all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. But, God does have standards and Jesus teaches that we are to live in obedience to his Word.
In 2020, when lockdowns were imposed in California, I used that time to seek the Lord. I began to open my Bible and repent of the sins that I read about: complacency, stealing, impurity, and so on. I began to seek the Lord in videos online; I began to give money more freely to ministries that were feeding the poor or spreading the gospel of Jesus Christ. I began to pray and have victory over sin of impurity (the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and/or the pride of life sins). I confessed to my zoom small group members at the time that I was indeed very fearful of "catching covid" and asked for prayer. They prayed for me, and also recommended a video (Plandemic). I eventually gave up my Netflix, too.
What did my mom do? I saw her turn to wine and alcohol. She kept busy. She got rid of a lot of my dad's things. She spent every night watching worldly movies. I can only hope and pray that God might shower her with mercy.
Last week, I told her she needed to repent. Big mistake. Out came the mocking and scoffing demons out of her mouth. So, this is how I know my time living with her is coming to a close, to an end. Yes, I can pray that the demonic spirits stop attacking me, in Jesus Christ of Nazareth's name.
But, I think God has a new thing for me; a better place for me. Even in our last argument, my mom was raising her voice to me. When I told her she did not have the right to raise her voice to me, she stopped herself from raising her voice, but her tone was still prideful (in my opinion).
So, for these reasons and more, I am prayerfully considering what my next steps will be. I take hope and comfort in God's Word, for it says, "thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a guide unto my path."
Thank you for reading my post. May Jesus Christ of Nazareth bless anyone reading this page now. Shalom.
